Sunday, July 11, 2004

I'm gonna party like it's 1999

[Also posted on my LJ]

That song popped itself into my brain as an earworm a couple of days back and has been tough to dislodge since because in some ways I feel (socially and creatively) like I did in 1999, when I hosted regular parties for visiting net.buddies, the living room and kitchen were regularly picked up because of that, I had some hope of having evenings off for classes and socializing, and I had three weeks time off and could think about going places. Things were not perfect by any means but I was ... social.

After the cataclysmic changes of the two millennial/Jubilee years (nel mezzo del cammin, baby), I had trouble remembering things Before. What it was Before varied; September 11, 2001 wiped much that had gone Before off the map, but I had REAL trouble remembering prior to before things got substantially worse in my life in the late winter of 2000 (and then much much better that fall, *sigh*). This was a big change for me as I used to have a pretty good memory for stuff like that. I also had an extended health issue last year which totally wiped me out and, again, had trouble remembering much what things were like before I could barely drag my anemic ass out of bed.

So, I'm cooking, I'm hosting, I signed up for some sewing classes, the house clutter is disappearing somewhat regularly, and my travelling shoes are starting to find their way back onto my feet. It's a good thing. It feels in a lot of ways as though I am finally starting to move past a lot of the worse fallout of the Jubilee (and post) years (occasionally sad, but not heartbroken sort of thing; it's not linear, I certainly had bad episodes of feeling Loss Grief and Failure within the last fortnight, but it feels like I'm out of limbo) and back to working on "taking what is good and leaving the rest behind" of those years. Because I will remember. Oh, I will remember.

After the Big-Ass Health Crisis last year, I'm just real happy to have enough energy to be out of the house occasionally and feel like cooking (brain thinking along normal directions, etc.). But it does feel like there is something more to it at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm seeing the sunny side of my midlife crisis (such as it has been), and I may not be out of the woods yet, but in the meantime, people need to be fed, and I am enjoying being social.

"My heart keeps open house/My doors are widely swung" - T. Roethke

A blog I found as I was checking the quotation suggested that striving for openness and connection with others is a form of spirituality. I tend to express it in food and fussing, but that's me. Dante, and modern Middle Easterners, consider hospitality a sacred duty (a point brought in by this am's Gospel reading, the story of the Good Samaritan). At any rate it is food for thought.

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