the slow return of the light
At the moment I can't find my planning guide for our Feed-the-Hungry gig, and I am El Jefe for February, so I spent a good chunk of yesterday tearing my desk and my room apart. I didn't find it (rumors that it is around the church) but did get a Really Good Feeling because, well, I threw two grocery sacks of paper OUT and the time definitely qualified as "fifteen minutes a day" in the Flylady Zone of the week. I've been trying to do "baby steps" and keep my sink clean; that, and the clear-out, has helped me feel a bit un-stuck. (See Emily's meditation for another perspective.)
Work isn't going swimmingly, although I feel better about it; actually, I've felt very interested and productive in the last couple of weeks. I am learning things, my mind is engaged, I am not feeling so overwhelmed because someone else is supposed to be doing first- and second-level filtering on the dailiness. It has been busy, and by mid-Friday I felt like I had been through the ringer, but it's not quite so much drudgery. I am learning to think like a project manager, and the realization that I am doing this has helped the wheels keep turning. I did realize that my "free time" stuff had skills transferrable to my work stuff - thinking specifically of coordinating one of our FtH gig, actually. It made me think "I can do this". I am now looking at it as an issue to be resolved by the application of my logical reasoning, etc., skills - a problem to be analyzed and solved - instead of just feeling overwhelmed, despairing, the like. I can do it.
I have had some "me time", and even with the temporary return of Horrid Winter Weather, I think I'm feeling that early spring pull as the light returns. I did some retail therapy on Amazon Marketplace, and wonderful packages of delight have been arriving at my doorstep. One of the first to arrive (the seller will get a very good rating from me) was a copy of Dante in Love, and reading the book brought back "the ancient flame" for me. I was back "in my tribe" - the tribe of the demented Dantisti - and, yes, we are all quite mad. (I have felt "alone in a dark wood", so this was an excellent time for Dante to reappear in my life.) Later, a rare copy of Singing the Daily Office arrived, and the monks sang me to sleep. Actually, at some point this past week I realized that I had been neglecting some variants of The Music Cure, and started blasting U2 at myself in the car to help further rearrange the brain cells. (It's pledge week at KQED radio, and I've already re-upped, so I am listening to CDs more.)
So, to sum up, things are not fabulous, but I am feeling more hopeful and energized, and that, I think will help me through. I'm starting to pick up the pieces of my life, which is making me feel not-quite-so-fractured.
I am grateful beyond belief for my friends and the support my various communities have shown me. I know y'all are out there, and it has helped me turn the weird-ass "YOU SUCK!" tape in my brain down to an occasional whisper. Peace, out!